Last night Michelle and I met for dinner after class. I was all a fluster. My hypothesis was that during my performance piece in the park I had somehow allowed bed bugs to hitch a ride in my bag and they were now infiltrating my apartment causing the intolerable itching that was taking over my entire body. Michelle said that was highly unlikely and suggested that maybe I was having some sort of reaction to soap or detergent or maybe stress was to blame for the raised skin on the tips of my fingers.
Whatever the cause, something was off and had been for days. I need to get my shit together. This morning I realized that it was August. August 5th, mind you, and I had completely forgotten to pay my rent. I ran to the post office and deposited a envelope covered in twice the required postage and containing a check for the next three months of rent just to make sure my bases were covered.
I am a mess. Michelle said the cause was in the stars - or the planets rather - something about Mercury rising (I put very little stock in horiscopalogical platitudes but Michelle swears by it so I figure it is due a little credence).
No I think my complete and total disarray stems from having spent the last month wrapped up in boy business and my brain, which I spent the last few months going on and on about, has turned to much. I feel discombobulated. I am not sure if I am coming or going and I need to hit the reset button.
The great thing about my first semester in grad school was that I was so busy trying to get my arms around everything that I didn't have time to freak out about silly things like relationships or the future.
And really, isn't that what all this boy obsessing was really about? Focusing on them so I didn't have to focus on the fact that the next few months will determine the next six years of my life and I am not even fully convinced I have it in me to stay in one place for six years. As terrified as I am about the thought if having to leave New York, a city with which I am just now entering into the ooey gooey honey moon phase, I am just as scared about committing to her for the long haul or the longish hall in my commitment-a-phobic mind.
My relationship with this city is so much like all of my other relationships it is hard to imagine not fucking it up, not getting terrified at the 'realness' of it all and running for the hills of I don't know where (hell, the next zip code might not even have hills).
I am just want an idea of what the future is going to look like, where I am going to be, who I am going to be. I know that is asking a lot and I know that in truth, the universe doesn't really work that way. But I am impatient and scared and really, really itchy and Mercury rising or not, something needs to change.
