Expansion

I live by honesty as the best policy because 9 times out of 10 the truth is a hell of a lot funnier and/or tragic than anything you can make up. I suck at lying so if I get into an uncomfortable situation, I stick to masterful evasion. It is cleaner.

I have come to the realization that evaluating everyday for its potential bloggability has actually offered me a unique opportunity to become a beacon of positivity. I know, I know, anyone familiar with my early years of teen angst would find this hard to believe but it is true.

Sick narcissistic voyeurism has its advantages.

It is like my yoga teacher. Bitch is scary. And she makes me cry. But I dig her – as much as I can dig anyone who contorts me into all sorts of f-ed up positions and doesn’t even have the decency to buy me dinner first. She talks a lot and last week, as she began her final class before taking off for India, she spoke for a while about expansion, about the need for human beings to soften to new experiences so that they can let them in. We talked about ego, which we do regularly in yoga. Ego is what will get you hurt or what will keep you from reaching your edge.

Ego is what gets us stuck. It is what has gotten me stuck, in jobs, in relationships, in life. It has kept me from being forward moving, open and expansive. Ego is, to quote my yoga teacher, what makes us say, “I am this kind of person or that kind of person so I am going to dress a certain way and do certain activities to prove this to the world.”

I used to think it was a quest for self-definition, trying on other people’s lives until I found one that really fit. It was ego that was searching for definition.

My yoga teacher was onto something when she discussed softening, giving up but not giving in.

I am happier these days than I have ever been and ironically, I think it has as much to do with my lack of definition as it does my broadening scope of opportunity. It is that shift in perspective my students talk about.

I like that it is possible to be equally content in fishing waders as I am at a red carpet premiere. I like that tomorrow might go completely against my plan and I like that certain situations still make me nervous or insecure, that dressing rooms and dating will never be exactly comfortable. I am enjoying the honesty of my imperfections and I am somewhat looking forward to my next great flub and the fodder it will give me.

I might not be perfect and I might say too much but at least – hopefully – it will be entertaining.