Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Case of the Disappearing Skirt

Yesterday I was sent home from work because my skirt was too short. Seriously.

Now, I am no hussy (at least not during a weekday) and to say that this skirt was obscene would have been an overstatement at best. It was a mere 2 inches above the knee. I mean, my god, my mother bought it for me! But none the less, it was too much for the head of HR and I was sent home, humiliated, to change.

While I was less than pleased with being called out as I had so many times in grammar school when Sister Jackie would bring me into her office and make me kneel to check that my plaid uniform grazed the ground, I have to say I handled it a lot better than I may have years or even months ago.

I have always had a tendency to overreact, to spiral at the sign of conflict and dive into the worst possible conclusion. This has almost always been the case in my relationships with men, who are elevated in my mind too quickly and left with no where to go but disappointment.

And that was always the case with the X, who recently called things off with me for what I hope will be the final time. We have been going around in circles for almost seven years, making half-hearted stabs at a relationship and ending things in a thunderstorm of anger, hurt and blame whenever it got too real.

This time was different, or at least it feels different. This time feels less like a reaction and more like a choice. It is a terrible feeling to know that despite the investment of time and emotion, something just is not right and most likely will never be. There are moments when I still feel like the air is being sucked out of my lungs and I might collapse from the weight of missing him. But they are just moments, rather than days and this is something I can handle. There is also a bitter-sweet joy in it all. Knowing I have a clearer vision of what I am looking for and who I want to be. This hasn’t happened accidentally. It has been a conscious effort to strengthen myself and my emotional health.

I think that it is funny that as a society we have no qualms with spending countless hours and dollars trying to perfect our exterior but can too easily overlook the insides. These days I am really beginning to like the looks of the inner me.

And you know what – I looked pretty damn good in that skirt too.

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