Sunday, October 11, 2009

Winter makes me Antsy

I can’t remember much about the day, which is unlike me and annoying.

I remember I got up early and took the subway to Times Square. I stood in line to buy tickets for a Broadway show that ironically was in from Steppenwolf in Chicago.

I should have bought tickets to Spring Awakening.

I chatted with the woman behind me in line about the rebirth of New York City and how it became a politer place to live in the wake of September 11th. She said it was a kinder city than LA. I agreed.

Later we would sit next to each other in the sold out playhouse, smelling of salt and and grit from the subway, and I would wish we had never been introduced. The polite chit chat was interrupting my revery and more than anything I just wanted to disappear into the sea of spectators and silently, solitarily enjoy my sojourn into an imaginary world.

I remember I took myself on a special date to Chelsea Market and rekindled my love affair with the cupcake. And I left my favorite ring in the bathroom.

I don’t remember where I went next, where stayed that night. It may have been Brooklyn. It may have been Queens.

I don’t remember enough about that day but I remember that it felt monumental. A tipping point. Feeling a deep love of being alone in a great big world. Anonymous. Free.

That adventure seems like a lifetime ago and now I find myself in a life built on planting roots and somedays I wake up and I am just so confused.

In KC winter is upon us. I forgot the way the Midwest launches it on it's unsuspecting citizens before they can even catch a second glimpse of fall.

It makes me miss Russia. It makes me miss New York. It makes me antsy for change.

Although most things make me antsy as of late.

My colleague asked me if I felt more settled here. And I said yes.

But on days like today when the brisk winter air, which descended upon me far too quickly, whips around my uncovered ears, transporting me to New England in February, I can't help but wonder what is next.

Sitting still is difficult on days like today, when my massive student loan debt is about the only thing keeping me from cashing it all in, grabbing my passport and a good pair of boots and hitting the road.

It might pass, this yearning for a get away but I highly doubt it will be gone for good. Before long, snow will begin to fall and I will half remember Gorky Park and 80's dancing in San Francisco and before I can help myself I will be googling far off destinations and plotting my future exploits.

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