Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Mark your Calendars

A couple weeks ago I posted the blog "Defying / Defining Stereotypes", which I took down a couple of hours after I wrote it.

I have copied the initial post below because it was cause for the first time I got hate mail and one of the first times I have admitted that I was wrong. If you missed it, here is what I wrote:

I do my best not to men bash here on the Man Fast. Obviously, there is bashing but I try my best to limit it to specific individuals deserving of such a scolding and not an overall condemnation of gender.

I know too many great men to say that all guys are one thing or another.

Today, however, I have to make an exception. Today I have to say, "Guys. All of you. Can you please, pretty please, try to exercise a little bit of common sense?!?"

I realize that not all of you have the same definitions of what is and isn't acceptable behavior, but here, from me to you, I am going to illustrate, one last time, what crosses the line.

If a girl asks if her butt looks big – lie. I don't care if it looks like an alien space craft took residence in her behind, it is not your job to inform her of this – unless you are a.) her doctor and it is a medical emergency or b.) her trainer and she is paying you to be a dick. Everyone else – lie. I don't care if you think couples should talk about this stuff – lie.

And when you ask if size matters she will do the same.

Secondly, do not ever and I mean ever make jokes about a girl and her cycle. I don't feel like I should have to explain this. If you have to ask why, you don't deserve to date.

And lastly, unless you have expressed written consent, it is never ever okay to attempt to date your ex's friends, even if you guys are just buddies now. It enters into levels of weirdness that I feel like I should not have to point out and lest it seems I must.

One, it is uncomfortable for your friend/ex and it is highly insensitive, particularly if they have asked you not to. We do not want to hear you talking about trying to pursue our girls or indulge your shameless attempts to pretend like you don't know what you are doing. It is rude. Stop.

Two, it is uncomfortable for the girl you are pursuing. Whether or not she is interested it puts her in a horrible place and frankly, no one wants to think about dipping their toe into somebody else's pond. Maybe some girls are okay with diggin in on their girlfriends left-over but I am not and either are my friends. We have higher standards than that. That is why you are friends with us in the first place and why you should respect said friendship.

I can't explain why it would be okay for my exs/friends to date some of my friends and not others but that is just the way it is – and I am sure that that too is a universally accepted rule. You might not get it. You don't have to. You just have to use some common sense and accept what we say at face value.

I have spent a lot of time trying to be clearer in the way I communicate. And I think, "Stop trying to date my f-ing friends!" pretty much summed up my feelings on this matter, and yet boys will be boys, and it has now taken multiple face to face conversations, emails, phone calls, text messages and now one blatant blog post for it to sink in.

Not cool man. Not cool.

I suppose in retrospect the blog would have caused a little less commotion if I would have put it in context but I didn't and boy did it get some boys in a tizzy!

"Shicho" has left the following comment:

1. Seriously - don't ask us.

If you need a hug or want to know if we still [insert appropriate-to-specific-relationship-emotion here] you, then by all means do so...in simple and clear prose. But don't ask us to validate your insecurities. Please.

1a. If he's asking whether size matters, you're not dating a man.

2. re: 'cycle'; if he's making fun of it, you're not dating a man.

3. Uh...that's all you. If it's over, it's over. Really.

Part of me wanted to explain to Mr. Shicho and the others that the list, besides being a silly literary device that shouldn't be taken too seriously, was a comment on a series of incidents and conversations that I had had in the days prior but I knew that it really didn't matter and the situation really didn't warrant a defense.

The comments did get me thinking though. Thinking about conversations I had been having with V, who obviously was the subject of my rant number 3.

We have a close and somewhat dysfunctional relationship and the thought of getting stuck in the middle of his school girl crush made me uncomfortable.

But Mr. Shicho had a point. V and I haven't dated in a year and I was more than happy to set him up with some people, why not others? Why was my happiness more important than his?

I needed some time to deliberate. So I deleted the post, took a long hot bath and went to bed.

That night I had horrible nightmares, which is typical when I am contemplating something and when I woke up in the morning I rolled over and sent V a text.

"If you want to date her or any of my other friends, go for it. Delete all other comments."

"What?! Where is this coming from? I was going to send you a text last night after I read your blog that your point was duly noted."

"Well you should know I deleted the post."

"Yeah, I noticed that this morning. What was that all about?"

"I have decided that I was wrong – shocking, I know. That, like, never happens (insert valley girl accent)."

"Wait.... let me relish this for a moment.

"Shut up."

"Where is this coming from because I was thinking about it last night and I totally understand. I'd be weirded out if you started dating a guy friend of mine."

"Oh it would still totally weird me out and make me incredibly uncomfortable not to mention a little hurt - you did dump me (hehe) but that shouldn't matter. It was very selfish of me to think like that and if somebody makes you happy you shouldn't worry about me."

"But at the same time I should be considerate of you and your feelings because you are a dear friend. I value my friends to the point where they are my family b/c I don't have any extended family that I have real ties to (that can be a whole other conversation) and keep in mind that this is your blog - unfiltered, dirty but refreshingly honest."

"And apparently infuriating - I got some serious hate mail last night."

"Whoa, what happened?"

"My male readers didn't appreciate my take on the situation and they let me know it. But it's okay because… ugg...they were right."

"Wow. Did we just switch opinions? Did I fall for reverse psychology?"

"HAHAHA -now THIS is good blog material."

A few days later, V told me that he marked his calendar for the occasion. "The Day Lyndsey Was Wrong."

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