Wednesday, September 2, 2009

My Lead Blanket

I am having a sad day. This happens sometimes. Not as much as it used to. And these days I know better than to think that the world is coming to an end, that my life is in crisis or that it will last forever. I know – not just know, but am highly conscious of the fact that it is temporary. The sadness is a weight, a true physical manifestation, a painful heaviness and I know it will pass. I know it is not my fault and there is nothing I can do but wait.

I harbor less resentment at my chemical imbalance than I used to, when I would cry and wail, pissed that the uncontrollable misfires in my brain would interrupt my otherwise happy existence.

Now I look at it with the mild disgust of a bad case of cramps.

I breathe and I wait, knowing anything I do to try to speed up the wave of sadness will only exacerbate the effects. So I let it wash over me, it is part of who I am. And it is not as bad as it used to be – Hallelujah, modern medicine. But it will always be there. Now I just acknowledge it, wave hello, let it do its thing and continue on with my life. I don’t expect it to return but I understand that it might. I am prepared now.

Soon. It will be over soon.

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